so we hung out at josh's place for a while, waiting for sasha and violet to get back, because they had left bags there when they went somewhere else for the weekend. eventually they showed up, we hung out some more, and then we decided to go eat at some jewish pizza place that is apparently amazing. unfortunately, it was close. and so were the next 4 places we went. seriously. so after about 3 hours and maybe 6 different busses, we found a place that was open, and had the most amazing pizza, pasta, and bruschetta ive ever had. italian tomatoes make american tomatoes taste like cardboard, and the fresh local olive oil was incredible. i had a pizza and split bruschetta with josh, for about 7 euro, which is less than $9, and you dont need to tip here. during the 3-hour oddessey, we happaned across such landmarks as the forum and cat sanctuary. we didnt stop because we were hungry and on a mission, but it was kind of neat to be walking around in a city that is sort of like new york meets southern california, only the cars are smaller and people speak italian, and to run across famous old stuff as though it doesnt mean anything. probably because josh and evelyn are basically the same as the people i hang out with at home, and because sasha and violet are the people i hang out with at home, and because we were searching for vegan food at 9pm, it didnt really feel like i was traveling europe so much as just hanging out. but hanging out - oh wait - near the forum, which is like, a bajillion years old and people fly from all over the world just to look at it. after dinner we came back to josh's and watched second season friends dvds from midnight until 6 when everyone fell asleep.

we woke up at about 3, which infuriated cindy when i told her (her point is that i spent 1/4 of a day, which is 1/12 of my time in rome, watching friends, and then slept in too late to go sight-seeing, and shes not so wrong, but as i explained, it was bonding time with my new friends). i went with josh and evelyn to the print shop where he makes to kill merch and then we drove to central rome to get more food. for 1.4 euro, we got these delicious fried chick pea patties on rolls which were delicious and filling and fucking cheap. then we got soy gelato, which we also did the night before after dinner, though i forgot to mention it. then josh dropped me off at piazza di popoli where i met cindy. we walked to the spanish steps, then in the general direction of the trevi fountain. cindy got confused, and had to look at a map, which she was embarassed about, and then asked for directions. it turned out that we were about 2 blocks away. on the way there, we stopped at a stand where i bought two scarves for 5 euro each, and at this place called zara's, which is like a higher quality, sweatshop free h&m thats all over italy. i didnt buy anything, but if i needed nice looking jackets or clothing to wear when i dress up i might have. then we took a bus back to her neighborhood, got indian food with her friend sarah, and hung out at the bus stop until my bus came. taking the bus back involved transfering, and in rome, there is no indication of which stop you are at, so i had to keep watching the signs outside until i thought i was at the right place. i wasnt. more wandering. then i caught another bus back to josh's, where we ate more pasta and watched more friends. this time, however, until 4, which is a slightly more reasonable hour for bed.

this morning i got up around 1. we hung out at home for a while, then drove into central rome for food. we made it to the jewish pizza place that we tried to go to the day before, which was open this time. and delicious. after lunch, i walked to the coliseum to meet cindy. we walked around outside of the coliseum, which i was too cheap to pay 10 euro to go inside, and then attempted to go into the forum which is free, but closed. i need to work on this whole leaving-the-house-at-3pm thing. but hey, when in rome... we ended up just walking around some more in vatican city, buying dior knock-off glasses for 5 euro, getting food, sitting in a cafe (where cindy had espresso and i didnt get anything), and talking for a few hours. then we hung out at the bus stop for a while, and eventually i actually got on the bus. it was really nice just to hang out with her and talk. then i fucked up transfering busses again, and wandered around. when i got back to josh's we had some food and threw friends on the tv. after a while, we broke out the tattoo machine. josh's friend has a machine that he left with josh, so josh has been doing some tattoos on himself. we decided to do tattoos of each others' bands. he did an attrition lyric on his knee and i got "mosh to kill" on my ankle in cursive (his band is called to kill, and mosh to kill is what they put on their shirts). it turns out that i am as shitty a tattoo artist as i always assumed i would be, because i have a very unsteady hand. my tattoo looks terrible, but whatever, its only permanent. then josh did "god free" on her ankle with an upside down cross in the middle. now we are watching more friends, and i have to leave in 4 hours to catch my plane. that is, if the strike at fiumicino airport is over. see you soon... maybe? or maybe ill be staying on josh's flood for another few days, doing more shitty tattoos on myself. well, maybe that would be a lousy idea. anyway, here are some pictures. sorry, i dont remember how to do an lj-cut without using the client that i use at home, so they are going to just have to take up space all over your friends page. ok, nevermind, i just realized that id have to import the pictures and then re-save them in a smaller file size and that would take forever and i dont feel like doing it. ill put some on my myspace, and leave the tattoo pics for when i get home.

i got to the airport 2 and a half hours before my flight. i didnt have to wait in any lines, so i just sat around at the terminal for 2 hours. this happens everytime i fly: i show up really early to be on the safe side and get through security in like 5 minutes. its not that i dont believe that sometimes you really have to wait that long, its just that i never seem to need to. so the flight was boring. i slept most of the way, and ate the food i brought because i hadnt ordered vegan food ahead of time. i got to fiumicino outside of rome and wandered around the airport trying to find the train station (note: wandering will be a continual theme here). everyone at the airport probably spoke english, but i hate feeling like a tourist so i tried to avoid talking to people as much as possible. i figure that if i act confident enough, people will assume im a local (especially since ive been told that i look italian). eventually i found the train to termini station, where i did some more wandering. 45 minutes later, i was on the 36 bus to piazza sempione. then more wandering. josh told me to call him when i got to the bus station near his house, but i couldnt find a phone. once you get that far out of central rome, people dont speak english, and all i know in italian is please and thank you. i found a public phone but i couldnt figure out how to use it, so i asked a cab driver for directions, and sort of understood his response. then i wandered some more. i looked up "how do i get to" in a phrase book, but despite the fact that josh says my pronounciation is good no one that i asked seemed to know what the hell i was asking. it turns out that his street is really small and no one knew about it. eventually, however, i found josh's apartment. so that takes care of the first 5 hours i spent in rome. all in all, wandering around in rome when its 65 degrees is not a bad way to spend the afternoon. im sick of typing, so im going to go eat (which is apparently all romans do) and watch friends with evelyn, josh's girlfriend (which is apparently all josh and evelyn do). ciao.

this morning, in the minutes before waking up, i was dreaming. i dont remember what i dreamt before i started to wake up, but i remember that as i started to wake up, i was still dreaming. in the brief moments in between beginning to wake up and being fully awake, i thought i was waking up somewhere else. i forgot where i was, and my first thought upon becoming conscious was that i was in my bed in my parents' house. i could feel the sun hitting the side of my face the way it always did coming from my window, and i could see the reflection of it on the polished hardwood floors. i smiled and started to open my eyes. then i became confused. i didnt know where i was, but something didnt sound right. then it all came back at once: new york, college, growing up, living in bushwick, the thesis that im working on. my smile fell. for a brief instant, still not entirely awake and aware, i felt heartbroken. then i work up the rest of the way and resumed my real life. the feeling of heartbreak is just a memory, having been replaced by a dull melancholy, an existential funk.

this has happened so many times since i left home for the first time. its not quite a dream, but im not quite awake, either. its somewhere in between. its like living in a memory.

in that moment that im waking up in my old bed, all of the problems, stresses, and doubts are gone. its saturday morning, and im looking forward to the day. but its not saturday and they arent gone. its monday, thursday, sunday, or even saturday, but not the one that i think it is. and they arent gone, just hiding. its not even a real memory, my life was never that simple. its revisionist history to think that there was a time of innocence before i started to have real problems. its always been something. but that is the feeling of home. comfort, safety, familiarity. i miss it and im not sure if ive ever even felt it. i mean, i know ive felt it, for moments, maybe even periods of time long enough to be aware of it, but there was never a part of my life that was always like that. ive been trying so hard to find it for so long. ive looked in other cities, in music, in other people. and ive touched it in all of those things. there have been moments when i was singing or playing drums, biking around manhattan, or waking up next to someone. but they fade.

when i woke up this morning i just wanted to go home. to my parent's house. i wanted to fall asleep in that bed like i used to, and to wake up knowing that id spend the whole day with people that i cared about. but i cant. even if i go home to visit, the people that made that place feel like home are in connecticut, new york, oregon... they've grown and changed and so have i. sometimes i wonder if i still need them like i used to. or, i wonder if i still need the same thing, but they arent it anymore.

so we picked up a hitchhiker. he was probably in his mid 50's. i think he just goes from town to town working at bars until he feels like moving on, like a christian jack kerouac thats not as smart. after we dropped him off, we saw a beagle on the side of I-65 outside of decatur, alabama. we turned around and pulled over, and three of us got out of the van and tried to go get it. it took us about 15 minutes to get close enough to touch her, because she kept barking and running a few feet back whenever we got within 50 feet. finally she lay down and let me go up to her and pet her. we carried her back into the van and started driving again. she had a collar with the name "gulley" and a phone number, so we called. it turned out that she was a run-away hunting dog and they didnt even seem to care, so we decided to call them back and tell them that she escaped when we pulled over. we felt vindicated when the owner said that she didnt care because they got a good year of hunting out of her and they were probably going to just let her loose anyway.
we drove the rest of the way to nashville, but we werent able to get on the show, so we hung out at danny's friend's house and made buttons out of random things we cut out of magazines. then we drove to bowling green to stay with nathan's friend. i like to town there; it has a cute town square and an organic fair trade coffee shop with delicious soy chai latte.
on to lexington. dirty punk house, rad kids. the kids there are sort of like hardcore kids that found crimethinc. or something, but totally legit. we played a rad show at an infoshop to a small but very appreciative audience, and then drove to louisville.
we built a fire and stayed up late playing uno and "never have i ever". the next day ben and i checked out the local skatepark and it was totally awesome. it was a free outdoor concrete park with lights at night. we both wanted to go back after the show, but it rained.
the show was ok, i liked the space and there were a few really cool kids there, including the ones that we stayed with.
we also got into a fight, which was about the most fun id had in years. this mall-metalcore band that played was drunk and acting shitty, and lee put a kingdom sticker on the back of one of their cabs when the house lights went out so they could do their light show. later on when we were packing up, one of them told davin that the person who did it had to come outside and apologize for being disrespectful or they were going to fight us. i mean, of all of the reasons to get mad at a show, a fuckign sticker. they peeled it off and it didnt leave a mark. shit, attrition and kingdom have done way worse to each other just about every night. i went outside with a big group kids and saw the singer of their band in a shouting match with ben. the details arent important, but it ended with ben telling him to go home, him telling ben to make him, and ben saying ok and laying him out with one punch. he could have said it to just about anybody else (if he told me, i would have walked away), but he picked the wrong guy. then everyone jumped on everyone else... it wasnt a big fight and it was over quickly. no one really got hurt. it was just plain fun, like a brawl in a saloon. i think we're going to put a sticker on the dudes car on the way out of town.

after gainesville we played pensacola at this club called sluggos, which is a bar/vegan restaurant/hardcore club, and we had rad $1 burritos. the local band that we played with was a bunch of kids that recently moved from the dominican republic and played amazing fast angry punk. they threw tortillas at the crowd and talked about the way that multinational corporations have a monopoly on the world's supply of food and about the drug war. that night we stayed with our new friend ryan, who is totally awesome. hes an older vegan straightedge dude that apparently used to live in richmond and we played an epic 4-hour game of uno.
baton rouge sucked. some kid said that we were gay because we talked too much, which pretty much characterizes the experience.
we drove to new orleans to stay the night, where we played scrabble, watched hgtv, and stayed up late telling ghost stories and talking like a middle school sleepover party. the last of us to go to sleep were mikey, davin, shiela (kingdom's roadie with a wicked new england accent) and me, around 6:30am. the bands had some much needed bonding time together. i feel like if you go on tour with a band and dont become good friends with them by the end, you've done something wrong.
the next day we spent 4 hours trying to eat and it was really irritating. we walked miles down the road that we were staying on trying to find a place to get vegan po boys but everything was closed, so we drove downtown. we parked on burbon street next to about 30 topless bars and wandered around into the french quarter where, around 4:30pm, we found a middle eastern place with mediocre falafel.
the new orleans show was rad; we played at a collective art/punk space and ate the most amazing vegan chocolate cake (thanks jen!) and vegan gumbo, which i've never had before. the last band, we need to talk, was badass. also, this guy called jesse camp who i apparently should have recognize was there heckling, drinking, and loved our band. he was visiting from new york and promised to come to the show at my house in brooklyn. we took a group shot with all of the bands and jesse.
that night we stayed at the same house and again stayed up late talking about anarchist politics and sexism in the hardcore scene.
on an hour of sleep, i woke up at 6:30 to drive 9 hours to nashville, which was the first drive that really felt like being on tour, because we were in the van so long that i stopped caring.

in my next entry: attrition picks up a hitchhiker and steals a beagle. to be continued...

charlotte, charleston, daytona, gainesville. we've only played one show since i last wrote, but we've been skipping from town to town. nothing interesting to write about. just hanging out, seeing old friends, eating vegan pizza on the beach, and driving. this tour has been much slower than last one, with more time to hang out and more asking the question, "so what do you guys want to do?", which we didnt really have time to do last time. the frenzied pace combined with the newness of it all made for an experience that was too much for me to keep up with, but this time it feels different.

so its day 4, our first day off. like last time, i had pretty low expectations about a lot of these shows, and each time ive been completely wrong. we were 4 hours late leaving for richmond, but it turned out that the permanent, army of fun, how we are, blacklisted show that we wanted to go to started late and the first band was going on right when we got there. lee and i watched the first band, the name of which i cant remember, and permanent, while the rest of the dudes made themselves sick eating at panda veg. then we got a call that we were wanted at the house where we were playing. 4 hours later, it was finally time to play in a beer and mud soaked basement. my shoes and drum rug will never look/smell the same. still, we played pretty well, and people were into it. we got some donations from the door and sold a few things, so we still had enough to pay for gas. house show in greensboro on new years: rad younger vegan straightedge kids played political hardcore, lots of root beer, and the first new years that i actually enjoyed in a long while. charlotte suprised the hell out of me, because we were expecting the house show to be full of conservative hardcore kids, but it turns out that people were really into what we had to say, picked up a lot of zines from our distro, bought merch, and actually moved around for our set. also, it was the first show in a big enough space that people were really moving around for kingdom, and i had a great time.
we were worried about having to pay for gas out of pocket to get down to daytona because we were only playing 2 free shows on the way down and had 2 shows cancelled, but it turns out that we are doing really well.
there is something relaxing and theraputic about sleeping in the back of a moving van. the motion of the van calms me, and the knowledge that with each second im putting more distance between myself and the last place i was is meditative.
unfortunately, i still have a thesis hanging over my head, and reading that i should be doing. man do i not want to worry about that shit. i want to stay on tour. i wonder, however, if i will eventually catch up with myself, because as fun as this is, i think part of the allure is that everything changes so fast that i dont have time to feel stagnant and bored. as quick fixes go, this one is pretty rad.